I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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