I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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