Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
