in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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