yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
