My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
