Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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