i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
this is an emotional support booty call
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
