2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
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You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
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Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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