This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
