Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
