Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
