If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
