I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
