I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
