She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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