I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
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I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
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Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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