The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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