Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
