omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize