Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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