to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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