i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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