Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
