he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
