my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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