you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
