all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
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I drank myself into bisexuality again.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
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I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
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