He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
