he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
