he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
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he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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