Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You ate ashes out of my bong
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
