omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
