I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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