I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
