Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
