My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
