Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
