good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
