I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
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Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
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Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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