he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
