I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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