I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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