I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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