drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
