He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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