if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
