Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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