i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
