Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
