I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
