Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
