lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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