Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
