don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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