I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
operation have a gay friend backfired
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
