90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Sex in the backyard? Check.
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