I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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