I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
