You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
