fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
